Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I'm coming out of the SAHM closet

This morning started like any other average weekday morning for a SAHM. I got up, went in and got the baby, came downstairs and prepared her breakfast while little Lucy practiced her new found ability to screech. Oatmeal, lolo, and apple slices were on the menu. The only difference is, what I am about to say is going to make you all hate me. I hate myself sometimes just thinking about it. Seriously, why do I have this life and why am I so bored? Okay, I am just going to say it....I really will...This is going to take a lot of courage on my part and I hope you all don't think differently of me.

We have a live in nanny. 

There, I said it. You all know now. I am a fraud. I'm not a real sahm. I don't cook most of the time, and I hardly ever clean anymore. My day is just filled with taking care of my daughter. This seems like the dream scenario for most moms, right? You don't have to worry about any of the household chores. All of your attention can be devoted to your little bundle of joy. Well, to tell you the truth, I'm bored. I never pictured myself as a sahm. That wasn't the plan, and I honestly am having a really hard time adjusting to it. Don't get me wrong, I understand how absolutely amazing this opportunity is. I just feel so unsatisfied. I'm sure I'm probably doing something wrong, and if I were to only focus on the fact that I am "living the dream," maybe I would be happier.  The second problem is, we live abroad (hence the nanny) and I don't speak the language. She has been indispensable in helping me communicate with the guards in our neighborhood, people at the grocery store, the dry cleaner, and has been the best company I could have asked for. I don't know what I would have done when the cable guys came to fix our internet, or when the movers brought our stuff. 

I am a sahm mom who hates it and I have no good reason. What is wrong with me? Why do I want to work again? Doesn't every woman hope they can arrange their finances so they can stay at home with the youngins? I'm sure there are other educated women out there, maybe in the foreign service like us, who feel the same way I do. I spent countless years in school, earned two masters degrees, and now I spend most of my brainpower repeating the same word over and over to my child in the hopes that one day, she will repeat it. 

Maybe if we lived in the US, I could pop over to Michaels or the Dollar Store and buy some Modge Podge to make a wreath out of plates and photos that cost $3.00. Or I could scour garage sales and start re-purposing old TV's into playground equipment. I can only bake so much, and half the recipes I see on Pinterest I can't make because we don't have the same ingredients in the super markets. 

To quote one of my favorite lines from Friends, "Oh, my wallet is too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight." What kind of person complains about staying home and doing nothing but love on their child? This post makes me sound like such a spoiled brat. Maybe I am. Can I love my daughter and want to work at the same time? Rock, meet hard place, you'll be living here for the foreseeable future. Life in the foreign service is hard sometimes. I don't regret this decision, and I'm so happy that my daughter gets to see her father again. We've gone on some fantastic vacations already, and I might even leave this tour speaking a little Spanish. Basically, the moral of the story is, the grass is always greener on the other side of the sahm fence. Count your blessings and I'll try and count mine. 

Pity party over

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